Singles

When Love Crosses the Line

It was 12:45am and Mary was sat up in bed trying to read herself to sleep. This was proving an uphill task, for with every word her eyes landed on, her mind travelled even farther. She was trying so hard to stop herself from thinking. But think was all she did.

What is wrong with me? Am I no longer the woman I used to be? She mused. where have all these strange feelings suddenly come from? Her mind travelled back to the previous night. A night that had shown her a side of herself she had never known existed. A night she was not about to forget in a hurry. She had been out to see a movie with Steve, her fiancé, after which they decided to stop over at his place to spend a little more time together. They had only been engaged for three months and their newfound love was still in the ‘honeymoon stage’. They never wanted to be apart and always looked for a reason to spend one more minute together.

They arrived at his flat at about 9pm and shared some more time together, chatting about nothing and then had a few drinks and nibbles after which she decided to leave. “Do you have to?” Steve asked, his eyes pleading. “Honey, I would really love to stay, but it’s almost eleven pm,” She replied. “And do you have a problem with the time being almost eleven?’” He asked, looking straight into her eyes. This weakened her and she started to stutter. “I- I – I need to leave soon if I want to get home in time to get some rest,” Mary said, looking for an excuse to escape the strange sensation she was starting to feel in her chest. But even she was not convinced.

“Sweetheart,” Steve said softly, as he gently pulled her into a warm embrace, we both know you really don’t want to go; I don’t want you to go either.” And as he said that he pressed his lips against hers. She simply could not resist it. ‘Stop! Stop!’ Her mind kept telling her, but her body was not listening. Now as she reminisced over last night, she felt terrible and very confused. How come I love Steve so much that it is causing me to do the wrong things? What is love and how do I keep it from turning to lust and sin?

A relationship between a man and woman that has passed the ‘friendship’ stage and is mutually considered to be on the road to marriage – what we call a courtship or engagement – is bound to be characterised by, among other things, the feeling of deep love for each other. Otherwise, there is no reason for wanting to get married.

The reality of some of the things that happen in relationships often does not get addressed, especially within Christian circles. Of course, there is an understanding that premarital sex is not God’s will, but there are other things that go on in relationships, which if not addressed, could lead to premarital sex.

Despite being Christians, when we are in love, we experience the same intense feelings as everybody else. It is part of being human. It is important, however, that we learn to differentiate love and lust, as there is a very thin line between the two.

Lust often appears in the guise of love, so that we sometimes think we are acting out of love, when really lust has taken over. So how can we tell the difference? What really is lust? It is an intense or obsessive desire, especially one that is sexual. It is sometimes blinding, deafening and overwhelming and could shut out all reasoning until an individual gets what it is they are lusting after.

Love on the other hand has so many definitions. It is more than just a feeling and is a strong resolve to accept a person regardless of their flaws. That said, we cannot discount the passionate and affectionate side of love. It is also a strong positive emotion of regard and affection towards a person. This means when we love someone, our feelings are affectionate and strong, however they are also positive.

This is the key thing to note when, as a lady in love with the man of your dreams, you start to sense amorous feelings that threaten to overwhelm you. You need to ask yourself ‘Is this feeling positive? Will it make me do something I will later regret? Is it something I should stop, rather than encourage?’ If the answers indicate that it is not positive and should be stopped, then you are feeling of love has just crossed over the thin line that differentiates it from lust.

So then, what can you do to preserve your feeling of love and yet prevent it from turning into lust? Here are some practical tips to help you: Minimise your ‘alone time’. Two people in a relationship often relish spending time together…alone. In a much as sometimes this is inevitable (for example when you are both alone together in a car); it should be reduced to the barest minimum. Chiefly because privacy provides the perfect setting for inordinate feelings to take over. Stay in the light. Darkness has the propensity to make people do things they normally would not do in broad daylight.

So, if you find that being together in the dark, for example in a dimly lit cinema is making you feel vulnerable and defenceless, then you probably want to avoid it. Spend time together in more brightly lit places, restaurants, go bowling and so forth. Agree boundaries with your partner. Come to a mutual agreement on things like: Curfews – Agree not to be out together beyond a certain time. Getting physical – It is easier to have a ‘sex-free’ relationship when you both agree on how far is too far were getting physical is concerned. I personally recommend you avoid kissing as it sparks a flame that could burn out of control.

Dress codes – Be careful what you wear around your man, because even though he is saved, ‘speaks in tongues’ and all that, he is still a man and will be moved by what he sees. Believe that God, who has asked you to do this, has given you the ability to do it. Remember that even in your weak moments, He is there to give you strength. That is why He said He is always ready to help in times of trouble” (Psalms 46:1). Always remember, if God says you can, then you can! Shalom!

Sarah Teibo

Author and Public Speaker